


Not Selfish

by yukiawison



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Evan is poly but he doesn't know about it and is anxious, M/M, Multi, Pining, Polyamory, insecure connor, insecure jared, jared's not an asshole fight me, just trust me you guys, self-harm mentions, soft bois, suicide attempt mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-11-29 06:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11434863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukiawison/pseuds/yukiawison
Summary: Evan Hansen was selfish. That was the only explanation. In which everyone has a crush and Evan is good at avoiding things.





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Hey pals! If you've read some of my other fics and would like to give me some feedback on what you'd like to see more of please check out my poll/survey thing(?) on that:  
> https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/H6V9ZJG
> 
> If you're new then welcome, hope you like this.

Jared should've expected this sort of thing. It wasn't like he could blame people for flirting with Evan. Evan Hansen was cute and sweet and got all blushy and awkward whenever strangers tried to pick him up. He should've expected it but it still pissed him off. 

They were at the party of one of Jared's coding classmates, a party that had an unexpected variety of guests given its host, and so far one guy had given Evan his number, two girls had pulled him into a flirty, drunken dance, and another guy was currently chatting him up on a beer stained couch while Jared watched and tightened his jaw and debated getting another drink. 

He was conflicted because Evan seemed perfectly at ease with all the attention he was getting: this was a sign that showed the tremendous work he'd done to build his confidence and fight his anxiety. And Jared didn't want to be an ass about that. But he also didn't want the boy he'd had a crush on since high school to go out with any of these tools. 

Evan laughed at whatever the current tool had said and Jared made a beeline for the drink table. Bringing Evan to these parties was not doing wonders for his responsible alcohol consumption, though a similar phenomenon occurred regarding Evan's dates picking him up at their house and Jared's consumption of salt and vinegar chips to avoid making small talk. That one couldn't really be blamed on him. 

He found himself another drink and a familiar face at the table. "Long time no see Murphy. Still afraid of shampoo I see?"

Connor Murphy scowled at him through a curtain of greasy hair and sipped his own drink. Connor had also gone to high school with them and had somehow developed his own friendship with Evan. It was one of those things formed out of miscommunication and harsh words and grown from similar struggles. Jared was a little jealous of Murphy too, though Evan was definitely his best friend he suspected Murphy was Evan's. 

"Does Evan like that guy he's talking to?" Connor Murphy muttered, words slurred slightly. There was another reason Jared wasn't the biggest Connor Murphy fan. 

"Hell if I know," he grumbled. "He's been bouncing from one suitor to another all night."

He looked at him pointedly and for a second he thought Connor was on to him as much as he was on to Connor. 

"Hey, do you want to get some fresh air?" Connor fiddled with the paper cup in his hands. 

Jared considered for a moment. Evan was still fully occupied. He didn't think he'd noticed he was gone. "Sure, whatever." They ducked out of the back door and Jared breathed in the chill of the night air. Connor downed the rest of his drink and pulled a joint out of his pocket. 

He lit it and took a drag. "You wanna share?"

"I'm good," he said. He felt enough out of control for tonight. 

"Suit yourself."

"How come you haven't been over in a while?" 

Connor shrugged. "I've been busy. School's kind of kicking my ass this semester."

"Yeah," Jared muttered. Evan had pulled a couple of all nighters despite Jared's concern. "Same here."

The smoke from Connor's joint curled around his head and Connor smirked at him with his watery eyes and pale face. He wasn't bad to look at that was for sure, not that gay stoner boys were really his thing. Anxious dorks were more his type.

"Well you should come back over."

Connor rolled his eyes. "I don't want to see him with all his dates. How many does he have anyway? Three a week?" He sounded as bitter as Jared felt. 

"It's good for him. He's popular." Evan had been dating a lot more lately. When he'd asked about it Evan had turned pink and muttered something about the importance of putting himself out there. 

"How drunk are you?" Connor asked. 

"I'm plenty drunk Murphy."

"I have a crush on Hansen."

"So do I." They looked at each other. Connor started laughing and Jared followed suit. 

"I'm hopeless," Jared breathed. "I'm fucking hopeless."

"Join the club." Connor took another drag. "Not sure why I trusted you with that Kleinman, but I'm glad we're in the same boat at least."

Jared shrugged. "I guess I'll be happy if it's you."

"Back at you nerd."

Jared looked up at the dark of the sky and felt his eyes get teary. He took off his glasses and cleaned them on the edge of his shirt so he had an excuse to bend over and shield his face from Murphy. It was because he was drunk and sad and tired. He wasn't always falling apart. He sniffled quietly. 

"I'll come back over," Connor said softly. "I can't just run away from him. He's my friend anyway."

"He's my friend too."

Connor finished his joint. "I'm going in. You should probably find Ev right?"

"Yeah," Jared muttered, dreading it. Evan caught his eye and smiled at him from across the room. His knees felt wobbly. 

"Where have you been? I missed you." Evan leaned on him when the left. He wasn't as drunk as Jared but he was still giggly and shaky on his feet. 

"Are you gonna call that guy?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I need to figure out why I feel so...never mind."

"Why you feel so what Ev?" 

"Nothing. It's nothing. We should go home."

"Uh huh." Jared took Evan by the shoulder and led him away. "Hey you should call Connor y'know?"  
***  
Evan Hansen was selfish. That was the only explanation. He curled up on the couch with his textbook balanced on his knees and watched the sun come up through the window. It was quiet. Jared wasn't awake yet (he'd had more to drink than Evan had) and Evan had powered through his headache and was currently reviewing his notes for the test he had next week. That was, until Connor had texted him. 

Hey Hansen, do u want to hang out this week? I know u have class and shit but I can help u study or whatever. Let me know. :) 

He knew Connor Murphy wasn't much of a smiley face person but he'd started including them in texts to Evan so he'd know his words weren't hostile. Evan tended to misinterpret. 

He tapped out a reply with shaky fingers: 

Hi Connor! I'm free after 4 on Wednesday if that works. 

He tossed his phone toward the other side of the couch so he wouldn't freak out waiting for his reply. No matter how often Connor assured him that they were friends he always felt nervous about making plans. He worried that he'd bore him or say something stupid. Not that Connor ever made him feel bad about himself. The opposite was true. Evan thought he was more honest with Connor than he was with anyone. They went to the drive in once. Connor put sleeping bags and pillows in the back of his beat up truck (that he grumbled didn't fit his aesthetic) and before the movie started they just talked: about high school, about their families, about the scars on Connor's arms, and the nervous way Evan's voice caught sometimes. Before they knew it the movie was half over and they'd been looking more at each other than the screen. Evan remembered the way Connor's face has been so close to his, his breath warm when he whispered things he said he'd never told anyone before. 

He turned back to his notes and tried to focus despite his swimming vision. He heard Jared's bedroom door creak open and shortly after the banging of pots and pans. He'd been roommates with Jared Kleinman since he started college. They started out in a dorm their freshman year and had moved into a house near campus for their sophomore and junior years. Jared was a good roommate. He gave Evan his space when he needed it and was there to talk him through things when his thoughts turned frantic and irrational. Jared was good at making lists: lists of tiny and manageable steps Evan could take to finish an overwhelming task, grocery lists that always included Evan's favorite ice cream and those snack cakes shaped like pine trees that showed up in December, and lists of reasons why Evan was a good person and why he was happy to be his friend. 

"Hey Ev." He looked up to see Jared standing over him, glasses askew and smile just as lopsided. "I'm making pancakes. Do you want chocolate chips in yours?"

"Um...y-yes please. Thank you Jared." Jared grinned and ruffled Evan's hair. 

"You look like shit. Get some rest."

Evan nodded and Jared turned back to the kitchen. When he was gone he threw aside his notebook and stretched out, defeated. His phone pinged and he looked at Connor's reply. 

Sure thing. See u then Hansen. :)))

Evan Hansen must be the most selfish person in the world. There was something else wrong with him because normal people didn't think like this. He couldn't have a crush on two different people at the same time. He couldn't want a relationship with Connor AND Jared that wasn't the way things worked. He was just being selfish and until he figured out how to stop his heart from doing cartwheels he couldn't be with either of them. He just had to keep doing what he was doing and hope it worked itself out. 

He'd lied to Jared when he asked him why he'd been dating so much. Sure, he liked being liked and taken to movies and out to dinner and practicing how to talk to people and be normal when it didn't matter so much how things went. But the real reason was to distract him from what he knew he couldn't have. 

He couldn't have both. 

So he'd have neither.  
***  
Dear Connor Murphy,

It is stupid to have a huge, ridiculous, gay crush on your best friend. Having a crush on Hansen will ruin things. If he finds out he will hate you and things will be weird and you'll lose him. You can't lose him. 

There's no way he likes you like that. You're mean and pathetic and he probably finds you just as disgusting as you find yourself. Who would want to date that?

Jared's right though. You can't just ignore him. You'll see him today and you won't be weird or awkward or mean and defensive. 

Oh right, I've gotta be hopeful at some point. Today is going to be a good day because you're seeing Evan and Evan is adorable and he makes everything better. 

It's going to be okay. 

Sincerely,

Me

Connor's therapist didn't assign these letters anymore but he still wrote them sometimes. He was supposed to write it like a pep talk but he'd never been a peppy person. He shut his laptop and walked to his closet. If he didn't get ready soon he was going to be late for Evan's. He selected a thick brown cable knit sweater that Evan had gotten him for his birthday. It wasn't much like the rest of his wardrobe but Evan had explained that he'd picked it for its long sleeves and its warmth. The sleeves covered the scars on his arms and the warmth was perfect for the cold day. He thought he looked softer in the sweater Evan had picked out. His eyes looked tired and his hair stuck out in places like it usually did but it was okay because Evan would be happy he was wearing the sweater. 

Jared answered the door. "Sup Murphy, nice sweater." They traded knowing looks and Connor again cursed himself for blabbing to Kleinman. Connor trusted him not to tell. He'd answered the door with his DS in one hand and his glasses sliding down his nose. Jared was a good friend to Evan even if he pretended not to be. It must've been hell for him living with Evan and crushing on him harder than a 13 year old girl. Because now that he'd told him it was kind of ridiculously obvious. Jared lit up when Evan came into the room. He waited for a moment after some of his jokes to make sure they hadn't hit Evan too hard. He also had a penchant for barging in whenever Connor and Evan were alone together (which made a lot more sense now.)

"Thanks, is Hansen here?"

"Yeah, he's in his room. You can go on up."

Connor nodded gratefully and started to climb the stairs. He stopped before he knocked on the door. His self-esteem was doing that yo-yoing thing again and suddenly he felt very self conscious about the way his twig of a torso swam in the big sweater. He'd always been uncomfortably scrawny and the sweater seemed to exaggerate it. After a moment of swirling insecurity Evan opened the door and saved him the trouble of knocking. 

"Hey Connor, how are you?" He asked brightly. Behind him he could see the succulents on his windowsill. Evan's room was full of soft things and pastel colors. It smelled like lavender and sunshine. 

"'M fine, a little tired. How are you?" 

"I'm happy you texted," he said and Connor's chest hurt. "I like your sweater," he continued. 

"Thanks."

"I thought we might watch a movie. Have you seen the new Spider-Man?"

"No but the kid's cute. We should watch it."

Evan grinned. "I'll get it queued up. You're good on time right?"

"Yeah, I'm good. I'm stopping by Alyssa's boyfriend Joe's party at 10 but we should be done by then."

"I thought Alyssa was dating Sara?"

"Oh, she is it's just..." a couple of years ago he wouldn't even have other friends to talk about. It was an oddly satisfying feeling. "Alyssa, Sara, and Joe are in a polyamorous relationship."

"In a what?" Evan looked confused. 

"Polyamory? It means that all three of them are dating. It's like a love triangle but without the conflict."

"Oh." It might've been his imagination but Evan looked like he was blushing. "I didn't know people did that."

"Yeah, it's definitely a thing. They all seem pretty happy." Connor figured if a relationship worked with three why not? 

"So Alyssa gets to kiss both of them...?" He trailed off like he was thinking about something.

"I mean, I assume so. I don't really ask her about that but I think it's kind of the point."

"R-right," Evan said. "R-right sorry."

"You're okay. Do you want to watch the movie now?"

Connor sat on Evan's bed with Evan beside him and tried not to doze off. It wasn't that the movie was boring, but he really was tired and the bed was so soft and Evan was so warm beside him he couldn't help it. 

It was a nice place to fall asleep.  
***  
Jared was going to order pizza but he didn't want to get it just for himself (he couldn't justify getting an order of breadsticks unless Evan and possibly Connor Murphy shared with him.)

He knocked on Evan's door but got no answer so he pushed it open slightly. Both boys were fast asleep as the credits to their movie rolled by on Evan's laptop screen. He shook his head and smiled at the gentle flush of Evan's face and the drool down one side of his mouth. His arm was slung across Connor's chest and Murphy's lashes were long and face peaceful in sleep. He looked different compared to the night on the patio. There he looked reckless and hurt and bitter in the way Jared too often felt. He looked at home here. Evan would probably fall for him. Who was he kidding? Of course Evan would fall for the edgy, hot guy, not some loser like him. Connor was all sharp edges and angles. Connor understood Evan in ways he couldn't. Connor wasn't a joke. 

Deep down Jared thought he might always be a joke.


	2. Angst Intensifies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Insecure boys get sad.

Evan read the Wikipedia page three times in his bed that night. He knew he needed to fall asleep but he couldn't. When Connor had talked about his polyamorous friend he hadn't made it sound weird or bad and neither did the Internet (for the most part at least.) And the more he thought about that the more he thought about kissing Jared and Connor and the more he thought about kissing them the hotter his face felt and harder it was to close his eyes. He got up to get some water, tiptoeing across the wood floor. 

To his surprise the light in the kitchen was still on. 

"Jared? What are you doing up it's almost 3 am." 

Jared turned to look at him. His face was open in a way it wasn't usually and it took him a moment to clear the emotion from his features. "Hey Ev," he said sharply. "I'm uh...I'm making ramen and a microwave mug cake."

"Oh." Shitty microwave food at three in the morning meant Jared was upset. "Can I join you?" Evan took a seat at the kitchen table. 

"Sure," Jared said, wiping his nose discreetly on the back of his hand. "Do you want some ramen and/or cake?"

"I could go for some cake." Jared flicked on the radio to the oldies station and the gentle hum of some 50s slow song filtered in. He put the mug between them and started in on his ramen. 

"Are you okay? You're eating your sad food." 

Jared blushed and spooned some more of the ramen into his mouth. "It's nothing. I just can't sleep."

"Me too," he muttered. "Hey um..." oh God why was he so nervous. "C-Connor mentioned his um...his p-polyamorous friend today. I d-didn't know that was a thing."

Jared raised an eyebrow but remained silent so he continued. "W-what do you uh what do you think about that?"

Jared cocked his head to one side in confusion. "What do I think about polyamory?"

"I'm s-sorry that's a dumb question I shouldn't have..."

"I think that it it makes you happy go for it. You being a general you not you specifically...not that I'm excluding you. You can do whatever you want."

Evan bit his lip. "Do you think you'd ever be into it?"

"Me?" Jared's eyes widened and Evan wanted to crawl under a rock. "Oh, c'mon Evan there's no way one guy would be interested in me, let alone two."

"That's not true."

"Evan you don't have to lie to me just because I look and feel like shit."

"So there is something wrong?"

Jared winced. 

"And I'm not lying. And you don't look like shit. You n-never look like shit."

Jared looked down at his ramen again and stuffed another spoonful in his mouth. Evan tried a bite of the mug cake and tried to keep his heart from beating out of his chest. It was a stupid, reckless thing to ask but he was glad he'd asked it. 

"Do you wanna talk about what's bothering you?"

Jared shook his head. "I'm sorry Ev I'm just being a baby." He ran a hand through his hair and Evan frowned. 

"You know you can talk to me about anything right?"

"I know. Thanks Ev." Jared still looked sad. He hated that he was sad. The radio continued its melancholy sputtering of old love songs. 

"Do you want to dance?" 

"Dance?" Jared nearly choked on his ramen. 

"W-we don't have to I j-just thought.."

"Fuck yeah Evan," he said quietly, almost a whisper, that didn't fit with the words. 

Jared's hand was gentle on his waist. They swayed close together. Evan was nervous that his hand was sweaty but Jared hadn't said anything about it so they just kept swaying. 

"Thanks Evan," Jared muttered, and he could feel his breath on his neck. 

When the song ended and they broke apart Evan didn't step back right away. His eyes fell to Jared's lips like some lovestruck idiot. 

"I should probably go to bed," he said softly. 

"Right, me too."

"Goodnight Ev."

"Goodnight Jared."  
***  
"I need you to put that down and then tell me what exactly you think you're doing." 

Connor put down the bottle of glitter nail polish he'd stolen from Zoe's room and sighed exaggeratedly. "I painted them black like I usually do but something seemed wrong so I took the black off and tried green but then I forgot it wasn't dry and tried eating chips and messed them up. So I went for it a third time but I was kind of tired and distracted so now I have this." He held up his mangled nails: glitter on some, a mishmash of uncoordinated colors and smudges. 

"I love you bro, but you only go nail crazy when there's something wrong. You took your meds this morning right?" Zoe asked, taking a seat across from him and reaching out to wipe the wet polish from his nails. "And don't take my glitter again this shit is expensive."

"Yeah I took my meds. And I'm fine. I just..." he trailed off. Zoe's worry sometimes made him feel guilty. Connor was used to feeling guilty (it was one of his few emotions that included anger, worthlessness, and pining.)

"It's just that I saw Hansen for the first time in a while yesterday."

She finished his nails and selected a deep indigo to redo them. "And that's bad because...?"

"It's not bad it's just that every time I've tried to get together with him before he has always had a date. Evan has a new date every week now."

"Our Evan?" She said, taken aback. 

"Yeah...yesterday I remembered how much I missed him."

"And I assume you're also hella jealous?"

He scowled at her. "You could say that yeah but don't tell anyone."

She nodded sympathetically. "All these dates and he hasn't asked you out yet?"

Connor shrugged, eyes on the silver glitter she was now applying. His nails looked like tiny galaxies with glittering stars. "Maybe he just doesn't like me."

"Bullshit."

"He'll probably just ask Kleinman," he muttered. 

She frowned. "Do you think Evan likes Jared?"

"It's more likely than him liking me." And Kleinman's not broken like I am, he didn't add. "In any case he's not dating either of us."

Zoe crossed her legs and pulled her hair into a ponytail at the top of her head. He thought she looked more authoritarian with her hair pulled out of her face. Maybe he did too. "You know I hit on a bunch of people before Alana and I started going out. I just wanted to make her jealous."

"I don't think he's doing that."

She sighed. "Look, obviously I don't know the whole situation but I do know you. And you always sell yourself short." He looked up at her. "It's not ridiculous for him to like you. You're very likable Con."

"Thanks," he muttered. 

"You're very welcome. Do you want me to do your toes?"

From then on Connor spent more time at Evan and Jared's place, regardless of Evan's dates. When Evan wasn't around he just hung out with Jared. Which wasn't the worst thing in the world he soon realized. He'd actually started texting him more often too. And sometimes they got together for real, and not just to complain about being stuck without Evan. 

"So when did you realize you had feelings for him?"

"Why so you can establish your right to call dibs?"

"Connor Murphy, he is a human being I can't call dibs on a human being I'm ashamed of you. Regardless I think we need to establish a timeline."

Connor laughed at the mock seriousness of Jared's expression. They were sitting at opposite sides of the couch, feet tangled together in the center cushion. Connor was doodling while Jared played some video game he hadn't caught the name of. After awhile he had paused it. 

"Um...it was senior year. It's kind of stupid to say out loud because it was just this uh...this dumb little moment in high school. He knew I was having a bad day and he was giving me a ride so we could hang out at his place and he just pulled into the drive through at McDonalds and got me fries and ice cream and uh...I'd never really had someone who knew when I felt like shit and went out of their way to make me feel better. And when he handed me my fries and told me he was proud of me for getting through the day I just knew that I liked him."

Jared nodded slowly and Connor felt their feet tangle further, Connor barefoot with his toenails painted and Jared in his thick striped socks. 

"How about you?" He asked when Jared didn't say anything. 

Jared grinned. "Sophomore year. He climbed the tree in my back yard and when he got to the top he just laughed his head off like an idiot. I was on the ground still and I just remember looking up at him and thinking that I could look at him forever."

"Damn that's really gay."

Jared cackled. "Like you're one to talk."  
***  
Okay so he'd be lying if he said he still didn't like Connor Murphy. He was growing on him: the way he took his coffee black next to Evan's mess of sugar and creamer, his eyes that looked intense even when he was tired or stoned, his soft stories about Evan and drive through fries and about the way loneliness ate at him sometimes. Only Connor didn't say the last thing lightly. Conversations about feelings happened when Evan was on a date and they both felt bitter and cracked open at their chests and knees and ankles. Connor would talk about the scars on his wrists and the lies his brain told him. Jared wasn't so forthcoming. He guessed, when he thought about it, he was used to bottling things up. 

"I mean I don't tell my parents much. When I need to say something I know they don't want to hear I just lie."

"I guess I like pissing off my parents," he said. He was cooking a strange mess of eggs in one of Jared's frying pans. Connor Murphy tended to help himself in their kitchen. Although this time he was making food for the both of them. "That dude Evan's out with looks like he belongs in a fucking Wes Anderson movie."

"Yeah and you look like a Twilight extra but I don't say anything about it."

"You're so funny Kleinman," he replied in monotone. "Here, have some eggs a la Murphy." He put the mess of broken yolks and pepper speckled egg bits in front of him before dousing the mess in hot sauce. 

"Thank you? I hope you're not trying to poison me Murphy."

Connor rolled his eyes and leaned his elbows on the counter. It was kind of late for eggs. It was nearly 10 and Evan wasn't back from his date yet. "I used to cook random food when I got really depressed. It was all shit and I usually burned something but it kept me from..." he trailed off, fingering the scars on his wrists. "I don't anymore because food's not cheap and my roommates would probably kill me if I set off the fire alarm."

"What do you do instead?" Jared asked, prodding at the eggs with his fork.

"I sound proofed my room so sometimes I just go in there and scream my head off. Or I talk to Evan. Or I bother you."

Jared looked up at him, meeting Connor's self-conscious gaze. "I kind of don't hate you Kleinman."

"Thanks. I don't hate you either." This felt like something. He didn't know what that something was but it seemed important. "And you aren't bothering me," he blurted before the moment was gone. "I don't make friends very easily and it's nice to have...God, I sound like Ev. I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it or anything. It's just nice not to be alone."

"Yeah," he said. "You don't have to eat the eggs just because we're bonding or whatever."

"Oh thank God."  
***  
The more he saw them hang out together the more he thought he should stop being a coward and just ask. Ideally it would be a light, no pressure kind of inquiry, but every time he pictured himself doing it went more like "HI JARED HI CONNOR I LIKE BOTH OF YOU CAN WE ALL GO OUT TOGETHER?" Shouted incomprehensibly in the kitchen or living room or God forbid out in public. 

He was having trouble sleeping again. When he wasn't worried about his sexuality he was worried about school. Finals were fast approaching and several of his professors had opted for group projects instead of exams. His groups tended to push all of the work on to him when they realized he was a good student and too quiet to protest. Evan was better at talking to people now but he was still nervous about confrontation. He was getting kind of weighted down and stuck between a rock and a hard place because he didn't want to upset his group members and he also didn't want to have a breakdown. He was walking home from the library and thinking about how much work he had to do and how lonely and weak he felt. It was getting cold. It might even snow tomorrow and his feet were freezing in his worn out boots. Maybe if he started crying his tears would freeze on his face. 

"Jared?" When he opened the door he was wrapped up in warmth and the scent of tomato sauce and he could hear crackling from the kitchen. "I'm home. What are you doing...oh." 

Jared and Connor were grinning and laughing at each other, both had aprons on and Connor had flour in his hair. "Hansen! You're home," Connor exclaimed when he noticed Evan standing there.

"You're here," Evan replied. 

"Evan we're making homemade pasta," Jared explained as Evan stood numbly in the doorway. "We thought you could use a nice dinner but this idiot didn't bring a pasta maker and so it looks kinda fucked up but I think it'll cook alright."

"Are you okay?" Connor asked when Evan remained speechless. His happy expression from a moment earlier faded a bit and Evan felt guilty. He ruined everything didn't he? He was just a big, broken third wheel. 

"I'm fine," he said, but his voice cracked pitifully.

"Oh Ev, what's wrong?" Jared put down the spatula he was holding and then Evan started sobbing. He'd tried to hold it in all day but now, seeing two of his favorite people doing something nice for him on a day that wanted to kick him when he was down, was more than he could handle. 

Then Jared's arms were around him and he was shaking like a leaf and stuttering out apologies like he was in high school. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is so nice I ruin everything and I'm awful so..."

"You're not awful," Connor said. Jared pulled back and rubbed Evan's shoulders while he tried to calm his breathing."What happened Hansen?"

"Nothing," he choked. He suddenly felt hot and panicky. "It's nothing you guys I'm just a l-little overwhelmed s-sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Connor said. 

"Hey," Jared said. He cupped Evan's face in his hands. "You know you can tell me anything too."

"I-I um..." he trailed off, blushing furiously, eyes still blurry from the tears. Connor cleared his throat and Jared quickly took his hands off Evan's face. 

"Let's have pasta," Jared said and then backed up (into Connor accidentally which was awkward for a second and involved Connor's hands fumbling on Jared's arms.)

The rest of the night was better than breaking down in his kitchen. The pasta noodles were misshapen but surprisingly excellent. After they ate Jared put on The Office and the three of them curled up on the couch with Evan in the middle. Jared had the dorkiest laugh and Connor leaned his head on his shoulder in a way that grounded him. He liked them so much. 

"Call me if you want to talk," Connor said when he walked him out. "I'm always here."

"What did I do to deserve you?" 

Connor laughed. "I'm a mess and we both know it." 

"I think you're great."

"You know you don't ruin anything right?"

Evan shrugged. It was cold and he hadn't bothered to put his coat back on. Connor was wearing the scarf he'd knitted him and his face was pink from the cold. 

"You don't Hansen. You're my best friend."

"You're my best friend too."

Connor smiled. "See you Hansen. Tell Kleinman I said bye."

"Yeah...okay."

Evan went back inside and helped Jared clean up the dishes. "You guys seem c-close now."

"Yeah," he replied. "Murphy's not a total asshole."

"I liked the pasta."

"Well don't get used to it nerd." He wiped his hands on a dish towel. "Goodnight Ev."

"Night." He'd wanted to say more. He'd wanted to ask him, in a jealous and insecure way, if he liked Connor more than he was letting on. 

Who was he kidding? Including him would be too much work. If they liked each other he'd be happy for them. He repeated this in his head so he wouldn't forget it. 

Happy for them. Happy for them. Happy for them. 

He didn't have time to worry about this. He had class and projects and strangers to date so his head didn't explode. If there was one thing Evan Hansen was good at it was evasion.  
***  
Jared liked it when it snowed. He liked the way it blanketed the trees and turned to slush by the roadside. He liked walking in it with a cup of coffee in hand. Everything seemed stiller on nights when it snowed. It was like the night was holding its breath. Everything felt fresh and expectant and important. 

He didn't expect to see Connor Murphy on his porch swing when he got home. It was late. He'd been doing some studying of his own away from the distractions of the house (which often included Connor Murphy.) 

"What are you doing here? You must be fucking freezing."

Connor looked up from his hunched position. He had snow in his hair and eyelashes. He'd been crying or smoking it was hard to tell. "I was going to surprise him. But uh...after an hour I texted him to try to figure out where he was and..."

"Evan's on another date. He's got an endless supply of phone numbers apparently." 

Connor laughed bitterly and tossed the bag of jolly ranchers he had in Jared's direction. "I got him his favorite," he croaked. "What the fuck am I still doing here Kleinman? Do you know?"

"Come inside. We can..."

"I don't want to come inside." He bared his teeth and spoke in a low growl. 

Jared took off his scarf and wrapped it around Connor's bare neck. "Fine then. I'll stay out here with you until you do. He sat down. Connor was shaking. His hair covered his face and Jared could tell he was trying to hide his tears the same way Jared had that night at the party. 

"I keep trying to tell myself that he's not worth all this. That I don't know...that he's a bad person or whatever but he's not. He's not seeing other people to hurt me or some shit. He just doesn't like me. He just...I just don't deserve someone like him." His voice sounded so broken that for a moment Jared hated Evan. He hated him even though Connor was right and he wasn't doing anything wrong. 

"You do deserve someone like Evan."

"You don't have to lie to me Kleinman I'm not a fucking kid."

"You do!" He repeated and it was too loud and echoed in the icy streets, sound tangling with the amber glow from the street lamps. Connor looked up. Jared had realized they had the same weird eyes years ago but he didn't think he'd ever really looked at them. He didn't think he'd looked at the freckles on Connor's nose before either, or the mystery bruise on his right cheekbone he claimed he woke up with and didn't remember how he'd acquired. There was snot on his face and his eyes were red. 

Jared had learned that Connor Murphy's default tended to be anger. He yelled. And his tears were more often angry than sad. 

Connor drew in a long breath. The anger faded from his face into something more tired and vulnerable. "Why doesn't he like me?" He said. 

Maybe they were more alike than he realized. Maybe Connor could understand him the way he understood Evan. 

Jared leaned in fractionally, involuntarily and then stopped, rational part of his brain urging him to pause. You don't just do things. You think, you plan, you engineer your image so people can't see all the ways you fall short. For once the irrational and reckless and unconscious won. He leaned in the rest of the way and kissed him. He kissed Connor Murphy and he tasted like smoke and salt and felt impossibly warm. 

What are you doing?

He drew back, apologies on his lips. "I shouldn't have done that. You're obviously in a bad place and it's fucked up to take advantage of..."

Connor cut him off by kissing him back, long and drawn out and hot and mutual and hungry in a way he didn't expect. Because it was just him. It wasn't someone kind and sweet like Evan or hot and edgy like Connor it was just him: not that nice or attractive or confident. It was just him and yet Connor's hands were on the back of his neck, pulling him closer. They broke apart for air. 

A loud smacking sound pulled their eyes off of each other. Connor reacted first.

"Fuck! Hansen are you okay?" Evan was lying on his back in the driveway, facing away from them as if he'd been in the process of turning around to go back the way he'd come when he slipped.

Connor reacted first but Jared was the first to stand up. He could feel his heart in his throat. Beside him Connor was breathless, his lips very red even in the dark. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He hated the snow. Shit like this only happened when it snowed. 

He ran off the porch and into the driveway, more careful with his steps now. Evan still hadn't said anything. He was covering his face with his hands. 

"Ev you're going to have to say something because you're scaring the shit out of me."

It was quiet in his head despite the fact that Connor was yelling something from the yard and a car was driving by. It was quiet and then Evan spoke and it wasn't anymore. 

He uncovered his face and looked up at him with a horrified and supremely embarrassed expression. "I'm really sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals! Hope you like this chapter. Here's my fic survey link again if you're interested: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/FN5J99V


	3. Pro and Almost Con(fessions)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When there is a lot on the line it can be hard to say the things that need to be said.

Connor Murphy figured out that he was gay when he was 10. Of all the confusing bullshit in his life, kissing boys was the one thing that made perfect sense. And he did kiss a boy for the first time when he 13. And the boy had crooked teeth and endless freckles and told him not to tell anyone. He told Zoe and his parents his senior year. He told them after he tried to end it and was back in therapy and starting medication. Keeping it secret had been a tight ball of anger and shame in his chest for so long. As much as he had isolated himself and kept everything in him a mystery for so long, it was a release to say aloud the one thing he'd been careful never to say. And his mom had cried and told him she loved him. His dad had patted him on the back and cleared his throat a lot and failed at not being totally awkward about the whole thing. But that was better than he had feared deep down. Zoe shrugged  and said she was bi so she couldn't care less and then they had a long conversation about both of those confessions and it was probably the longest they had talked without yelling at each other back then. 

It had been easier with Evan. Evan had already seen him at his worst. The day after he tried to kill himself Evan showed up at the hospital to see him. They weren't even friends back then. They were English partners because they were the two rejects of the class and one day earlier in the school year Connor had shoved him in the hallway and later found his letter to himself. Of course back then he didn't know what it was and had flipped his shit before Evan had stuttered out what the letter was for and Connor had looked at him like maybe they had something in common. But nothing came of it. Nothing needed to because he thought he'd be gone soon. 

So when he showed up Connor was surprised. "What are you doing here Hansen?" He asked. His voice came out garbled and rough. His arms were heavy and bandaged and felt like they were stuck to his sides. 

"I-I heard that you were...I um, I think your mom might think we're friends because I uh. I called your phone when you didn't show up at the library to work on our English project and she p-picked up and s-said you..."

"You still didn't answer my question."

"I w-wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm not," he said flatly. 

"I'm glad you're alive," he said suddenly. 

"You're the only one." His voice had cracked in a way he hadn't expected. 

"I lied about how I broke my arm." Connor looked up at him, standing awkwardly and nervously in the doorway. "I didn't fall out of the tree. I climbed to the top and I let go. I thought...I wanted to...look, l-life is worth living. I'm not sure w-what for but I'm glad I'm still here and I'm glad you are too and..."

"Why are you here? We don't even know each other."

"We're English partners," he said, brutally serious. 

Connor still didn't know why Evan came to the hospital that day. He asked him once they were friends and Evan didn't have a solid answer. He was like that. 

So no, the gay thing wasn't hard with Evan. A lot of things weren't hard with Evan. And the things that were hard were worth pulling through for. 

So it was kind of panic inducing to see him laying on the ice and not moving. 

"Ev you're going to have to say something because you're scaring the shit out of me."

Connor was in the yard, seemingly the closest he could get without hyperventilating. Evan said something that he couldn't make out and his shoulders relaxed a fraction. He was okay. He hadn't hit his head and knocked himself unconscious or something else terrifying. 

"Connor, come help me get him up," Jared said, turning back to him with a serious expression. He was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that they'd been making out two minutes ago. He was trying to put together that and the fact that he'd liked making out with Jared Kleinman a lot.

Connor nodded and hurried over to Jared and Evan in the driveway. He didn't realize how much he was shaking until Evan pointed it out. "Are you okay?" he asked, sounding a little dazed. He had his arm around Connor and Jared's shoulders and they were lifting him slowly. 

"What do you mean is he...oh shit Connor you're really shaking. Are you alright?" Jared said once he looked over at him. 

"I'm fine," he said, but it came out strangled. "Evan's the one who's hurt."

"I'm o-okay. I didn't fall that hard. Why are you shaking?"

"Let's all get inside okay?" Jared cut in. "I'm freezing and I'm worried about both of you."

They laid Evan down on the couch inside. He looked a little disoriented still and Jared quickly got him some water and ice packs for the bruises that were blossoming on his elbow and tailbone. He also looked up concussion symptoms despite Evan's assurance that his head had only grazed the pavement and didn't hurt.  

Connor sat down on the floor by the couch while Jared was doing this and when he still couldn't stop shaking Evan reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm okay. Everything's okay," he said.

"Why are you home so early?" He asked, voice quivering. "I thought you had a date."

"It ended early," he said tightly. 

"I didn't come here to kiss Jared," he said bluntly. Out in the open. Rip off the bandaid. No hiding. He looked down at his hands and tried to keep them still. "I came to bring you jolly ranchers as a surprise but you weren't home. 

"Oh."

"It just happened. I don't know what it means. It just happened."

"You don't have to explain anything to me Connor."

"I know I don't I just wanted you to know that neither of us planned that."

"Okay."

Jared came back into the living room and Connor stood up. "I should probably get going." He leaned down and hugged Evan who hugged him back readily. "Can I talk to you before I go though Jared?"

"Okay," Jared said, expression unreadable. They stepped back outside. 

"So we should talk about what happened right?" He began. 

"What is there to talk about?" Jared said defensively. "I made a mistake and obviously you did too or had some sort of out of body experience or something that made you think you were into me too."

Too, holy shit Jared was into him. 

"I don't think you made a mistake," he said. Jared's face was very red and Connor didn't think it was from the cold. "I really liked making out with you Kleinman."

"Don't say that. You don't mean it."

"Why wouldn't I mean it?" He said softly. 

"Because it's me. I'm not hot like you are and I'm not nice or cool."

"I think you're hot and nice and cool."

"You like Evan."

"I like you both."

Jared shut up then. Connor stared at him. "I like you both too."

"Can I prove that I like you? Would that be okay?"

Jared hesitated. And then he nodded slowly. Connor stepped forward and hooked his hands behind Jared's neck and moved slowly, it felt like slow motion, kissing him with intent. Jared kissed him back after a moment and it was nice this time too. Though he didn't know where whatever this was was going he wanted Jared to know that he was more than what he thought he was. 

He pulled away. "Do you believe me?"

"Yes," Jared replied immediately. "We should talk about this more sometime...soon."

"Yeah, we should. Goodnight Kleinman."

"Bye Murphy."

It was liberating to be open and to communicate. All his brain told him to do was shut himself off and hide. He'd hidden enough in his life already. 

***

"This isn't helping," he breathed, putting his head on the table. Alana Beck was the smartest, most driven person he knew and he was honored to call her a friend but the pro/con list he had crafted with her help was not making anything easier. 

She sighed dramatically and took another sip of her coffee. "Evan you know I always weigh the pros and cons to help myself make decisions rationally but right now I think you should tell them no matter what the list determines."

Pros:

You won't have to keep dating random people to distract yourself.

You won't have to lie about it anymore. 

They could be into you too.

You can stop making these lists.

Cons:

You could screw up your friendships.

They could hate you.

It could make everything awkward. 

It could mess up things between Jared and Connor and that would be really selfish and awful. 

"It seems like it's even but all of the cons are super bad," he moaned. He'd burned his tongue on his tea twice out of nervousness since they'd been at the coffee shop and even with this list he still felt confused and on edge. "If I'm going to say something it has to be now right? If I wait they'll get together and even if they're interested they'll probably assume I'm not because of my extensive evasion dating."

Alana raised an eyebrow. "Is that what we're calling it?" 

He ignored her. "What do I do Alana? How do I tell them without being an asshole. I-I hate this." Evan's chest felt tight and his head felt cloudy. He was selfish. He was selfish for wanting them both. He was selfish for wanting to risk wrecking the something that was between his best friends. He was selfish for hiding and lying. 

Alana reached out and put her hand on his in a gesture he'd seen her use many times on Zoe. "You'll feel better when you tell them. Bottling things up is only a good step on the path to destruction." She always made lofty sounding proclamations like this that were hard to deny. 

"Okay." He still thought he was selfish and stupid and kind of a coward. He thought about losing Jared, who watched nature documentaries with him even though Evan knew he didn't really like them and stayed up late eating noodles in the quiet kitchen when he was sad. He thought about losing Connor with his chipped nails and rare smile, Connor who tried so hard every day even when recovery didn't seem worth it. He loved them both so much. "Okay I'll do it."

***

He stood in the cold doorway for a minute or two after Connor left. He believed him. He believed that the effortlessly and and ridiculously attractive Connor Murphy liked him and Evan.

So what now? There was still the little problem of Evan maybe (probably) not being interested.  So did the two of them just pine for him together...like together together? Maybe it was a sign that they should both confess. Or maybe it was a sign that they should both just move on. Maybe his own brain was getting tired of his shit and had thrown some new feelings at the problem. But then again that sounded an awful lot like his brain was sentient and working against him which was kind of fucking terrifying. 

His feet were frozen and Evan was probably wondering what was taking him so long so he went back inside. 

"Hey." Evan was still bound to the couch but he sat up and twisted so he could see him when he came back in. "You okay? You look cold. I can make us some hot chocolate. Wait no I can't I should probably not get up for a little while longer because of my tailbone which I think is fine just a little bruised and..." he stopped. He was doing that anxious babbling thing again and Jared felt kind of bad. It was definitely weird to accidentally find your best friends kissing on your porch swing.

"Are you okay?" Evan repeated. 

"I'm not the one who needs to be asked that question," he replied. "I mean I remember talking about boundaries when we first moved in together but that conversation covered dirty dishes and quiet hours not whether or not it is acceptable to make out with your roommate's best friend at the communal place of residence."

Jared realized a moment too late that maybe make out wasn't the best term to use just yet. "Are you mad?" He blurted. "If we were a thing would you be not okay with that?"

"I'm not sure I understand the phrasing of the question."

"Sorry." God this was such a mess. "I'm sorry. It's just that you literally fell down when you saw us and I know he's your best friend and all and I wouldn't want to get in the way of that by...I don't know by stealing him from you. Even though that sounds ridiculous."

"It is ridiculous," Evan said. He was sitting up and scooting back to make room for Jared on the couch, wincing as he did so. "You're not stealing him. And you're my best friend too Jared, that point seems to be s-suspiciously absent. I want you to be happy. I want b-both of you to be happy. It d-doesn't m-matter if it's a little bit weird for m-me. If you l-like him and he likes you I just have to get over...it." The it seemed more ambiguous and consequently held more gravity. He was stuttering again so Jared cut him off. 

"I care about you. I like him but I don't want to do something that makes you feel shitty." Because I like you too, he didn't say. 

"I just want you to be happy," Evan repeated. "That's all I want."

"Thanks." Maybe I will be. He'd never felt like he was good enough. With Evan and with Connor he felt close to good enough. 

They didn't talk about it again for a week. Jared hung out with Connor once in that time. It was a nervous half-date. They met at Connor's place, put the TV on, and talked over it. 

"So are we doing this?"

"Define this."

Connor's eyebrows furrowed. "Us dating I guess? And um...working up the courage to ask Evan to also date us."

"I'd prefer if we conceptualized it as strategizing and/or rationally weighing our options as opposed to being courageous."

"I can't control how you conceptualize it," he replied, mouth quirking up on one side. "But are we on the same page."

"Yes. I think we are."

"Do you wanna drive to A La Mode and get ice cream and then make out in my car to avoid talking about this for a little while longer?

"Absolutely."

Jared learned that Connor's favorite ice cream flavor was double fudge brownie ("chocolate as dark as my soul Kleinman") and that kissing a boy who tasted like chocolate in the backseat of a car with the radio tuned to the oldies station was kind of the best thing ever. He broke away eventually. "I don't think Evan will be mean about it if he doesn't feel the same way. It's just that this isn't how I expected any of this to go and if it all falls to shit I'm going to feel terrible and mess up something really great and I don't want to do that. You should just ask him out. We can tell him we decided to just stay friends and then you can ask him out. I'm not sure what I add anyway so..."

"Jared stop it. We're in this together remember?" Connor kissed his neck and Jared felt a little dizzy. "You've gotta stop putting yourself down. I know I'm not one to talk but you shouldn't underestimate how great you are. You're great."

"I'm a joke."

"You're not."

"I am."

"You're not. And I will argue with you all night if need be."

"That won't be necessary." He actually felt himself smiling. 

"How about we brainstorm how to go about this this week and on Saturday I'll take you to a movie and after we can talk about what we came up with."

"Okay," Jared said. He was kind of lost in the way Connor was looking at him. "Okay, that sounds good."

"So Saturday?"

"Saturday."

They didn't make it to Saturday. The next morning in the kitchen Evan ambushed him (well ambush was probably the wrong word; he had more of a nervous energy than an aggressive kind.)

"Hey can I talk to you for a second," he said too loudly.

"Yeah," he put his spoon down into his bowl of Cocoa Puffs and quickly hid the "how to confess to Evan" idea list he was working on with his elbows. "What's up Ev?"

Evan sat down across from him and cleared his throat. "So uh...do you remember that time we talked about polyamory."

Jared nearly choked on air. "Yeah, um I really do."

"Well I didn't know what it was until recently. And before I just thought I was being selfish and y'know, broken as u-usual."

"You're not broken Evan."

"I-I was kind of freaked out before I knew that other people had the same kinds of feelings and that it wasn't super s-selfish to w-want both of...um, what I mean is I like you Jared. I like you a lot and I think I was trying to avoid thinking about it all so I went on all those dates instead. That sounds so stupid when I say it out loud. I ran from how I feel because I like you but I like Connor too. And I know this probably messes everything up but it just feels like lying if I don't say anything and I'm sorry if that's a shitty reason but no matter what happens I don't want to keep things from..."

"I have to call Connor," Jared interrupted. He stood up abruptly, knees knocking on the table. "I uh...you're doing great Ev I just really need Connor to be here too."

"Oh," Evan tugged on the hem of his shirt. "Yeah of course I was going to tell him too I..."

"I'm just going to call him really quick stay right there please. You're doing fine, really, I just need him for this conversation." 

Evan nodded dumbly, frozen in place. Jared cursed himself for not being better prepared. 

"Murphy you have to get your ass over here."

"What are you talking about? I have class in 20 minutes."

"Evan is confessing to the both of us but he's doing it one at a time and my list of confession options doesn't account for him confessing first does yours?" He felt almost hysterical: happy, scared, awkward, adrenaline fueled. 

Connor's voice leaped up an octave. "No but I'll be there in ten."

"In ten." Jared repeated. 

"Eight and a half. Bye."

"Bye..." Holy shit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have you know that I honestly did not know how much I liked conman until this fic.


	4. Communication™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys finally get everything out in the open...and it isn't as excruciating as initially expected.

Jared answered the door. He looked kind of frazzled and flushed and he grinned wildly as he pulled him inside. "Thank God you're here. We've just been staring at each other and not saying anything for the past 8 minutes."

"That sounds fucking awful why are you smiling."

"Con, he likes us. He likes us and he told me. C'mon." Jared linked his hand in Connor's and Connor felt sweaty and insecure again. 

"You're sure he mentioned me?"

"Of course I'm sure asshole. Let him tell you himself."

Evan was standing in the middle of the living room, eyes shifting. He looked like a nervous wreck. "Hey Hansen," Connor said. He hadn't let go of Jared's hand. 

"I'm sorry I cut you off Ev but we were kind of planning on asking you something. Can you tell Murphy what you told me?" Jared began. 

"I um...I like Jared and I like you. I like you both...r-romantically. I'm not sure I made that clear last time but that's what I mean. Um...so...sorry? I guess, because I think I made it weird but then again I don't know what you guys are going to ask me so you should probably talk and I'll stop talking."

"Um." God his hands were sweaty. He was surprised the hand holding Jared's hadn't simply slipped from his grasp. He looked over at Jared for confirmation. He got it with a nod. "We we're going to tell you that we like you romantically too and ask if you might want to talk about dating."

"Dating both of us," Jared cut in."In case that wasn't clear."

"It was clear," Evan squeaked. And Connor couldn't help but laugh. He'd always kind of hated his laugh. It was too loud and kind of dorky and weird sounding. He'd never brought it up in case other people didn't notice it the way he did. Jared released his hand and punched his arm. 

"Is that a yes Ev? Do you wanna try this? Are we all gonna try to date?"

"I've never..." he began. 

"Neither have I," Connor cut in. 

"Same here," Jared added. 

"This is new for all of us Hansen. But it could be great if we try it," Connor said. 

"It could be really great," Evan said, chewing on his lip.

"I'm glad you guys think so too," Jared said. 

"So yes?" Connor asked. 

"Yes," Evan replied. "Yes, absolutely."

"That wasn't so hard was it Kleinman?"

Jared released Connor's hand and instead of punching him like before he wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him close. "You were nervous too dummy don't put it all on me." He was caught off guard by the casual closeness of the gesture and felt his face going red. 

"You were nervous?" 

"I mean of course I was Ev. You dated a lot of people that weren't us. I didn't think you were interested in me as anything more than a friend. Not that I don't fucking adore being your friend because I do. I love being your friend."

"I love being your friend too," Evan echoed. Jared ushered the two of them to the couch. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I'm sorry I went on all those dates when I could've just been honest with you guys. I was just trying to evade the issue."

"Evasion dating," Connor said with sudden clarity. 

"Yes!" He threw his hands up in the air. "Alana rolled her eyes when I called it that."

Connor had gone out with guys to avoid talking to his family. He'd kissed guys in darkened rooms that swirled with smoke when he felt too numb to even be sad or angry. Evasion had never really worked out. 

"No I get it. I've been there."

"Well I can roll my eyes at the both of you then," Jared said. He still had his arm tucked around Connor's waist. 

"How do you evade things then Kleinman?"

"I eat shitty food, Jared said at the same time as Evan said "He eats shitty food."

"So we should probably talk about all this right? Talk about expectations? Set some ground rules?" 

Evan and Jared were looking at him like he had two heads. Holy fuck was he the best communicator in this relationship? This was definitely the first time he could be considered adequately well adjusted. 

"I mean...communication is key here right?" He continued cautiously. 

"Right," Evan said. He put his hand on Connor's knee and for a second the rest of Connor (save his rational brain) wanted to table the communication bit. "You're right. Why don't you go first?" Jared nodded and Connor shook his head in amusement. 

"Alright, I will. My understanding is that we'll see each other but no one else and that we'll go on dates as a trio whenever possible. And we'll uh..." he flushed. 

"Approach sex the same way," Jared filled in. "Is that what you were going to say because I'm on board with everything you've said so far."

"Yeah, that's what I was going to say."

"So if one of us is busy it's okay if the other two go out by themselves?" Evan asked. "Because I'm fine with that as long as you guys let me know you're not just leaving me out because you don't want me there." 

"Same here. But can we talk about that for a second?" Jared pulled his a back and crossed both arms over his chest. "We're all like...pretty insecure people yeah?" 

Connor and Evan nodded. 

"I'm still processing the idea that either of you are actually attracted to me...which is something I know I need to work on. But if this is going to work out we probably need to get used to trusting each other and talking about it when we feel insecure about something in the relationship."

"Yes," Evan said. "Y-yes, to all of that."

"Can I just say that I'm finding this healthy communication super hot?" Connor said, because he was. The other two laughed. 

"Ev can I kiss you?" Jared asked. "Is it okay if I kiss him first? Or maybe it should be you since I kissed you first? Or oh god, Evan what do you want to do?" 

"The order of things doesn't matter a whole lot to me," Evan said. 

"Me too." Connor agreed. 

"Oh...okay so..." 

"If you don't mind then can I kiss you first Jared?" Evan asked. 

"Okay," he said. Connor leaned back and the other two adjusted so they were facing each other. Jared leaned in halfway and Evan bridged the rest of the gap. Connor didn't think he'd ever seen Evan kiss anyone before. He looked like a good kisser. It looked like a good kiss. Evan pulled away first, lips looking very pink. Jared looked kind of dazed in a happy kind of way and Connor laughed again. 

"Is he giving me a run for my money Kleinman?"

"Not better," he muttered. "Not worse. Just different. Different and really good."

Evan grinned. "Yeah? I thought it was really good too."

"Now kiss Murphy," Jared said. "Go for it. We have to swap notes." Connor had laughed too much today. They were going to get sick of his stupid laugh. Evan kissed him and it was just as nice as he thought it'd be in high school. His insides felt warm and he lifted his hands to cup Evan's face. He felt kind of dumb whenever he did that but it was sort of an involuntary reflex to reach out and touch when he was kissing someone he really liked. 

"Damn Evan," he said when they broke away. "We should have done this a long time ago."

"We should've," Jared repeated. "Hey Con, did you know that Evan has never seen Mamma Mia?"

"Holy shit Hansen what have you been doing all your life?"

"That's what I said. Do you want to rent it?"

"So is this l-like a d-date now?"

Jared shrugged. "A pre-date maybe. We can probably do better for our first date."

"Are you ready for Meryl Streep to blow your mind with the music of ABBA?" Connor asked. Evan smiled at him and his nose crinkled in an almost criminally cute way. 

"Definitely."

"Great," Jared said. "You queue it up and I'll make the popcorn." He got up to leave but Connor stopped him for a moment. 

"Since we talked about talking about insecurities and stuff I thought I'd say...er um, ask. Is my laugh as annoying as I think it is?"

***

Their real first date was at a diner. The split a milkshake three ways (sharing with three straws was more awkward and hilarious than practical). Then Connor and Jared had been really nice in helping him study for his final while they shared sandwiches and fries even when Evan apologized profusely for ruining the mood. 

"It doesn't have to be all that different from doing things together before," Connor had said gently. "Just more kissing and holding hands and saying gay shit."

There had been a lot of all of that in the weeks since then. They were on winter break now so many days consisted of curling up on the couch under Evan's big green comforter with hot chocolate and bad movies. They switched off who got to sit in the middle. Evan liked when it was his turn because sometimes Connor fell asleep on his shoulder at the same time as Jared held his hand under the blanket. 

He'd told his mom about his boyfriends. He was quite scared to do it but he didn't want to hide things from her and in the end she was nothing but happy for him, albeit initially a bit confused. He'd cried a little that day from nervousness and then relief. They'd had a really nice group hug after that. 

Everything seemed nicer with three. Dinner conversation never dragged. Connor and Jared made pasta again, this time under better circumstances. Time spent with the two of them felt warm and open. They didn't sleep in the same bed all the time (Connor had a place of his own and there was a reason three to a bed wasn't considered a long time practicality for adults) but when they did—curled into each other, arms and legs dangling off the edges of the bed at times, Jared mumbling things in his sleep and Connor's face all freckled and soft with sleep—when they did it found ways to be nice. 

"Hey honey," Jared leaned over the back of the couch to kiss him. He handed him a mug of mint tea (coffee made Evan too jittery.) and walked around to take a seat beside them. There were only a few days left of their vacation and Evan really didn't want to deal with class again. "Are you stressing about school already?" Jared asked gently. 

Evan tried to wipe the worried expression off of his face with limited success. "A little. I'm always stressed about school but it's worth it. I worked so hard to be here and I'm not going to let myself get in my own way. And I know I'm not alone." He glanced over at Jared and gripped the warm mug tighter. 

"You're not. I'm proud of you Ev."

"Thanks. I think I'm proud of me too."

"I was thinking we could get dressed and then ambush Murphy, who I will bet you five bucks is still sleeping and take him to brunch."

"Deal. I think that's an excellent idea. Your boots aren't all wet from yesterday are they?"

"A little. They're shitty snow boots. I need new ones."

"You should wear some of my thick socks. I've got an extra pair."

"You need new boots too doofus. You're feet are always ridiculously cold even with socks."

"Take my socks. And I'm going to borrow your sweatshirt."

"That's not really mine I stole it from Connor," Jared smirked at him. "Now isn't this all just sickeningly domestic?"

"Shut up, you like it."

"Yeah I like it."

"Am I allowed to text Connor or does that mean I'm cheating on the bet?"

"One text, no call. I'm gonna take a shower, leave in 20?"

"Sure." Jared left and he pulled out his phone 

To Connor <3 :

I get $5 from Jared if ur awake. See u soon :D

***

It was another party. Evan was talking to another guy across the room but this time he was balancing three cans of soda, one of which was for Jared, the other for Connor.

"It's like we're back to the beginning," Connor said wistfully from his place beside Jared.

"I'm still not going to get high with you on a stranger's porch if that's what you're trying to get at babe."

"That's not what I mean Kleinman," he laughed. He was doing more of that now that they were all dating. "I mean we're here, alone together, thinking about how much we like him..." Jared raised an eyebrow. "At least I am. But this time it isn't sad or angry. This time we're all here together." Connor kissed him on the cheek in a truly sappy fashion and he grinned. 

"We're probably going to have some horrible fight soon. We're due for one."

"I'm sure we will." Jared's expression grew murky and Connor continued. "But we'll get through it. The three of us have gotten through a lot of shit. I think collectively we've gotten through a shitload of shit."

"What are we talking about?" Evan asked, 

"Murphy's Littlest Pet Shop collection."

Evan's face lit up. "I loved Littlest Pet Shops."

"I don't have Littlest Pet Shop collection."

"C'mon you at least had a turtle. The turtles are the cutest. I bet you traded some kid a Lunchables dessert for it. Don't look at me like that Con you were definitely a Lunchables kid if not in physical Lunchables then in spirit."

"I beg to differ Jared, I think the iguana's the cutest."

"But he's a Lunchables kid right Ev?" Evan handed him a can of Mountain Dew and Connor an Orange Fanta, keeping the Sprite for himself. 

"We were talking about how different things are since the last party we all went to and how nice it is to be here as boyfriends and not pining losers. I mean that endearingly of course."

"Of course," Jared repeated with an eye roll. 

"And then Kleinman got worried about a hypothetical future fight."

"Well when you say it like that it sounds dumb."

"Exactly." Connor's eyes crinkled. His hair wasn't as greasy anymore, not that he really minded it greasy in the first place.

"We'll probably fight," Evan said contemplatively. "But a relationship is like a garden y'know. No matter what you do you're gonna get weeds. That doesn't mean all your tomatoes and marigolds aren't worth it."

"I love it when you hit me with those plant analogies," Jared said. 

"He can drop a sick plant analogy."

"My boyfriends are such dorks." 

Maybe Jared Kleinman was more than a joke. Maybe three people who all felt a little broken and worthless at times could find something nice and good and whole together. Maybe that wasn't selfish at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals, thanks for sticking around. I'm gonna be working on some tumblr requests (that will no doubt find their way here) next and then start on another AU series I'm sketching out atm. As always, comments/critiques are super appreciated!


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